DEFUSING DISRUPTIVE CO-WORKERS, PART II
DEFUSE DISRUPTIVE CO-WORKERS, PART II.
In my last post I addressed the “D” of my training acronym D.E.F.U.S.E., which I consider the center piece of my Advanced De-escalation Techniques and Management of Workplace Violence Programs. Today I thought we could take a look at the E.
D.E.F.U.S.E.
ENCOURAGE THE subject to Vent and Ego Suspension.
Both strategies, I think, go hand-in-hand. It takes a strong sense of self, or, better put, a strong Ego to, ironically, eliminate one’s Ego in a confrontation with a Disruptive Subject who is cascading toward violence. When I suggest to allow the person to vent is also to suggest that the worker or manager take a Win/Win approach to the confrontation instead of the conventional Win/Lose Philosophy that many managers who carry their egos with them into the confrontation. The manager/worker does not have to win at the expense of the disruptive subject. Whatever is triggering him or her must mean a lot to that person in order for him or her to become disruptive.
So, encourage him or her to vent. Ask Artful Questions designed to under-stimulate the scene rather than to over-stimulate. Mirror what you see him or her doing or feeling. Always remain calm, Cycle Breathe. Calm is as contagious as anger (Ego) and/or fear. It is crucial for the worker/manager to listen to what the subject is saying. I mean really listen. Not waiting for your opportunity to say something brilliant (Ego and Win/Lose). Listen reflectively. When you really listen you can paraphrase back what you believe he or she is saying (content) and/or feeling (emotions). Even if you are wrong, you can demonstrate you are concerned.
You probably know better than I what questions are Artful and which are not, but some of the questions that almost always work for me to encourage venting always begin with: “Jim (or, whatever the name). Would you mind if I asked you a question?” I really don’t care if he minds or not, but I do want to get his or her attention, to momentarily stop him from ranting and raving. “Jim, what’s the matter?” seems better than, “Hey! What’s the problem here?”
Combining Empathy (see the next post and Understand Feelings), Mirroring Body Language with the Artful Question seems to be another excellent way for encouraging positive venting. “Jim, check yourself out. Your muscles are popping out of your shirt and you look tense. You are obviously amped up What’s the matter? Is there anything I can say or do to help?”
Might not be a bad idea to point out that it is terrific to encourage a person to vent, but the worker/manager must always establish limits early on and enforce those limitations when venting goes too far. Damaging property and threatening a manager/worker or others is never acceptable.
A major tenet of Verbal Judo is that the more Ego you bring into a confrontation the less your safety and power. I believe that “ego” is one of the most dangerous words in the lexicon of law enforcement as well as the work place. A manager who carries his or her ego into any and all interactions will almost always depend upon coming out on top (Win/Lose) in any confrontational situational. Also, in any confrontational scenario, he/she will turn inward, toward the ego, in order to find insults, put downs and other “implements of Win/Lose” to stay “on top.” I firmly believe, however, when one turns inward, he or she is no longer tactically aware of what is going on around him or her.
At the end of the day, it is the manager/worker who believes in the ancient warrior and philosopher Tsun Tse’s axiom of Mizu No Kikoro who will only “win” when the agitated worker or client also is able to win. To save face.
The ancient words mean: Mind like clear water. When one removes ego from the equation, he or she is calm, his “waters” are calm and when they are calm they are clear. One can see all the way to the bottom. However, when one brings his ego into the interaction, the waters are roiled, stirred, and all the silt and rocks and mud are stirred and one can never see past the surface.
And the answer to the problem is rarely near the surface.
In Part III we complete the D.E.F.U.S.E. equation. Until then, stay safe.
Hammer